I think it’s time to say good bye to her. She doesn’t like me because my phone doesn’t ring and I don’t get messages from her. I think I did all what I need to do. Okay, here is inproper way too, but she could take me a contact many ways so I don’t wanna go to seek her in IRL, you know driving car in the neighborhood try to spot her. But I don’t know where she live and she just disappear so it’s an option too, and a silent way to say, no thank you. You know women. Their are mysteries, they can change their mind and you can do nothing.
I have you some golden nuggets, listen this old recording from YouTube. And I thinking about my gender issues and people around me and I found that I don’t have any kind people who can really support me. I make tetox of some poisonous people in my life and my brain improved. I see myself more woman than ever. And I no need to please everyone and seek a prove of others. I have a lot, but it becomes a habit if your are not love yourself. You need become your own lover and treat you in best way as possible. This was hard to me, and but you can set in your brain, mind-sets, love yourself, your are enough. I read a book by Elie Wiesel, book called, Night. It tells story of life on consentration-camp in Nazi-German. Hard-core racism. My life it is little bit similar, because my amygdala activate with my thoughs which are unrealistic. I think it is because I have childhood trauma too and also those toxic people are reason too. I was on lesbian party last summer without my hair, I was a bold girl. And I said one girl that, I scare that will they let me in. And she not understand what I talking about. I think that is also people who I surrounded by. Poisonous people are now gone and I becoming heal. They are like marketing tools, like television with commercials witch you hear constantly. You no need shit in your life. Only blessings. Only good people who not put you in down. Don’t make people treat like a shit yourself.