My head spinning… talking with him is not good to me. I try to be nice and analytical and try to be understanding but now I am confused. I am woman but now when I spoke with him, I feel that my mind is messed up.. I think problem is in me. When I was children my stepfather take my transgenderism as a weapon against to me. So I tried to be a man and hided my true self, now I am myself, I found that the father doesn’t care me like a woman and it’s ofcouse in subconscious mind level influenced to me. I don’t have to take that misgenderism inside me, but I found that and it hurts. He doesn’t mean that what he does but it corrupted my mind. Now I feel very fucked up. I need to change my inner talk more positive and laught that. We also talked and we have fun too. As you see, don’t take it personally.. I am take cos I always take those bullets.. and they always crippled me.. as my person, Mark Divine what I follow now, uses mantras against negative self talk.. he said, looking good, feeling good, I can acting in Hollywood.. when I get sober, on online place, once man told me to use his mantra, booze is meaningless to me.. I also put here this breathing exercise, inhale count ten, hold your breath and count ten, and exhale and count ten..
But I really take it inside me and those words burns me. Now I need to wait about two weeks or a month that I get balance back.. why this is so hard? I have got poison in my veins by him. I don’t can believe it truth that my best friend is not good for me.. I have fun with him but I feel also myself shit..