I’m so lonely

Today is Finnish traditional day, which is the midnight sun celebration or something like that. People are with their loved ones and I sitting my sofa, a fan gives me air. My ex-wife is now someone’s else, and she probably happy. And I don’t get contact that Rose-Pussy, who seems be very very attractive in many ways. I feel that I can’t feel someway for any girl right now. I am little bit rush on her. I don’t know for sure that is she what I really looking for, or she is the right woman, which by the way, Tony Montana at Scarface said, that with the right woman, you go to the straight to the top.

She seems to be very sweet, and she asked her titties, that she said, these are not good, but I love those. I love everything with her. I can suck them all-to-time. People watch that porn and thinking that everybody should look like porn-models. It’s insane. Read sexology folks and generate making love skills. And use your imagination. I get disturbed by pornography and I went more wanker or something like that. And now when I not consume pornography, I am more horny and want eat girls fresh pussy and more sex-driven. And I want action. Intimacy. There is one girl too and many others but I feel that if I play with other I might lose her or something like that. I just can’t, and that Rose-Pussy maybe it’s okay to having sex with other’s but I feel little bit rush with her. I like her and I don’t wanna lose connection.

I lost that my former relationship, with my ex-wife, I thought that I can be just friend with other girls and I get rush with someone and our relationship get deepened and me and my ex-wife’s relationships get wrecked and we get disconnected. I have also Diazepam addiction which steals my brain and I went in hell. When I get recovered those pills I found that my ex-wife is gone. With someone else. This very heart breaking situation. Lost someone who you really love with someone stranger. My brain get mess past two years with our relationship and plus one year to fight off that benzo in my veins and my brain get normalize.

I remember things with those last two years but those are very foggy. I can’t get those years back, I can’t say sorry to her how much I hurt her. And I not get responsible my things what I did. Everything was my fault. Not her. I was too shy and I was also too weak with my social-situation-phobia. I am transgender also and I scared a lot being me. It’s very frustrating. I was very beautiful and many said so. I was too touch with myself. I don’t see myself beautiful, but I hear a lot that I was. I don’t really trust that..

I remember my ex-wife sitting my lap and I say her everything is alright. But that is only memory. My ex-wife got lot of problems and I was always with her. Being here. But when I get sick and go to the benzo-hell it was my battle and I was alone. She run a way and left me. My it was only way to let me die. But I was died inside when those pills take ya. I was not myself anymore. When I get addiction those, I lost myself completely. There is no me anymore. I was shell. I died inside. It was true hell. My alcoholism was too. But the benzo-hell is too much for her. I no doubt that. I died inside, it was like dementia or something like that. I think I need love my self too and much. I am enough and I am important. Maybe when I feel I am enough an I love myself I can see true love with others. Maybe I not felt her love to me and I do not let everyone to love me because I didn’t love myself. I try love myself. It is hard but I really try.

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